Obla dee Obla dah

As the Beatles so aptly crooned, "obla dee obla dah life goes on...". Since my last post I put my big-girl panties on and filed for divorce. I have been in various stages of immersion in our glorious family court system ever since, and no one can ever truly prepare for the ridiculous experience that is created by our very flawed system. Having said that, it's not that I have not been granted fair judgement by the court thus far. Oh sure, the judge can declare all kinds of wonderful things-but just try to get the other party to cooperate (hysterical laughter). If you want the court rulings upheld, guess what? Back to court for more of the sideshow. That's fine if you have a money tree. Hah, and I was worried about my student loans.

Interestingly, the care of the heathens feels very similar to when was still living with the sperm-donor. I pretty much do everything, 24/7, and I never have sex. Well, maaaaaybe after the official split I did a wee bit of 'dating'. That cured me of the romantic notion that I would now be free to find true love. Does that make me a pessimist or a realist?

Are You Being Served?

It turns out that the words 'divorce' and 'fuck you' both have the same number of letters! Coincidence? Maybe. Since my last post I have secured an attorney and am getting ready to serve him the papers. His behavior, or lack thereof, has been-what, appalling? Disingenuous? Baffling? Horrifying? Stupefying? Incidentally, our 3rd year marriage anniversary is this Tuesday. Good bye to the man who says he wants to work it out then unilaterally decides to cancel our therapy, blames me for our problems and his bad behavior, finds me less attractive (sex 5-6 times in 2 years) because my body has changed from "pretty flawless" (I am skinnier now than pre-preg and have a tiny c-section scar), doesn't speak to me unless necessary while in our home visiting the kids, emails me when I am in the next room instead of speaking to me directly, insists that he can't/won't support my post-doc work hours because we can't afford it (!), has completely ignored my texts and emails for a total of 5 days to date and also has not checked to see how his children are, controls the money like I am his employee, and basically is a real narcissistic jerk. Will I miss him? Not at all, being with him was like living alone with an annoying roommate. I miss the idea/ideal I had of the happy family. I never wanted to be a single mother. I never wanted to marry an asshole either, so I guess that means I will be a single mother instead!

The Bottomless Pit of Why

At some point I just have to accept that the "why" no longer matters because my feelings are valid. This is the very sad truth I am struggling to accept. Bottom line, my husband continues to fail miserably in backing up his words with actions. In my mind, after I asked him to move out he would be ACTIVELY trying to prove his desire to be with me, not pointing out how we are like "oil and water" (I wonder which lame friend introduced him to that phrase), in one breath, then with little emotion saying he is "willing" to try and work on it in counseling. The part I never see is the "working" on it. He says the "feelings have faded" but "really deep down inside he wants it to work". I am so hurt-how could the man that married me, who I gave beautiful twins to not be inconsolable at the realization he might lose me? How could I have misread his inability to love me with such complete inaccuracy? Why am I forced to make the painful decision to divorce? Why did I have to read, "Living with the Passive-Aggressive Man" and feel like it was a personal letter to me? Why am I still hesitant to divorce him in light of his total ambivalence regarding me?

Sexless Marriage

There I said it. I am in a sexless marriage and have been for over 2 years!!!!!!!!!!!! Considering we have only been married 3 years this is a serious problem. I will never forget him telling me a couple months after the babies were born as I cried because he would not be intimate with me, "well it's hard for me because you used to be pretty flawless." Had I not been so sleep deprived and hormonal I would have packed his shit and never looked back. Since then I have begged, reasoned, demanded and simply cried to him about it. The result? We have maybe had sex 5 times. Additionally, he threatens divorce every few months. So I finally had it and kicked him out a couple weeks ago-demanding yet again that we go to counseling. In the very first session he tells the counselor he tried to break up with me numerous times before we were married!!!!!!!!!! Gee, where was I when he was supposedly doing this? As if that weren't bad enough, he says the spark is gone (for him) and agrees we are like roommates. I am devastated-nor do i feel like I need to wait one more minute for him to change. Haven't I waited long enough?

Denial

So how many more signs do I need to realize this man I call my husband is resentful and angry with me for "making" him get married and have kids? Today he told me he realizes he wants to be the "man he was". Single? Without wife/child responsibilities? I asked for an example and he cited GOING TO THE GYM. Oh yes he did. Gee, that's funny-we have a membership across the street with childcare AND I usually tell him to go ahead if he wants to after work while I continue to watch the kids. According to this man I am also not letting him get ready for work in the morning because he gets up with the kids and gives them breakfast. HE agreed to this and then changed his mind, so I started doing it but according to him I NEVER do this. Now I'm not sure when lying became fair play but it certainly doesn't bode well for a man who says he wants to work on things and feels that we should not "sweat the small stuff".

dawg

Clearly I am insane because my husband offered to take the twins with him today but I couldn't stand the thought of being without them for more than 4 hours. It's really happening to me-I have become the mother that has no life outside of her children. EEEEEEEEEEEEEK! Oh sure, it's probably only temporary, I will undoubtedly get my mind and free will back when they start school. Right? Meanwhile....

This must be a crazy twin phenomenon. I began typing this entry because Gabriella finally passed out at my feet and stopped screaming long enough for me to log on and Gavin was preoccupied with his fingers or something extremely entertaining like that. Whoa-don't call CPS, I fed, changed and did everything else before I let her lay at my feet with the dog. Anyway. Gavin starts whining and reaching so I pick him up and I kid you not within 3 seconds Gabriella was standing on her feet screaming to be picked up too. I've learned that she can do weird things like scream in her sleep, so I let her scream it out and in about a minute she was dozing like a puppy.

grrr

I decided about a month ago to get active and put myself in some mommy groups. Now, I am a member of a couple (or more?) online groups and one local pay-per-year which we've only participated in once so far. Of course, NOW that I have set myself up for the stay-at-home mothers in activities of the year award, I am looking at possibly returning to work.

Having read some scathing commentary on motherhood in our anxiety producing era, I am also feeling very angry. Angry at the system. Angry at men. Angry at myself. Despite my education and years of independence, I believed that my choices in marriage and motherhood would be sooo different than every other poor, angry, disillusioned mom I heard and read about. I'm unique, after all. Talk about humble pie. I have my entire head buried in one right now, and it doesn't taste good.